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We would like to take a moment to say goodbye to one of our all-time favorite members of Congress, Mr. Adam Kinzinger of Kankakee, Illinois, ladies and gentlemen. Kinzinger was first elected to the House of Representatives 12 years ago and served most of his term indiscriminately, virtually anonymously. Some of his constituents had heard of him, but none expressed an interest in learning more. Then in 2018 came the transformation. That was the year Adam Kinzinger turned 40 and things started to change for him.
The first signs were subtle but obvious: he choked on a car insurance ad, opened an Instagram account and posted pictures of himself, wore spandex cycling shorts to Starbucks without shame, and sometimes carried a fanny pack. By 2021, Kinzinger had a full-blown case of male menopause with all the familiar, painful symptoms: mood swings, hot flashes, cravings, uncontrollable crying.
A lesser man would have retired from public life, chosen new pronouns, and moved into private life, but Adam Kinzinger chose a different path. He has chosen to be a role model. He wanted other middle-aged men to know there was life after hormonal imbalances, so on July 27, 2021, Adam Kinzinger bravely emerged from the closet as a tearful man. You may remember the moment.
ADAM KINZINGER: I never expected today to be this emotional for me, but you guys won. you held You know, democracies aren’t defined by our bad days.
ADAM KINZINGER DOESN’T CLAIM DESANTIS ‘THE FUTURE OF THE REPUBLIC PARTY’ DESPITE INTERMEDIATE WINS.
Imagine the courage it took to do that. “Yes, I am emotionally incontinent. Yes, I am completely irrational. No, I will not remain silent.” In Washington, Kinzinger’s performance was considered deeply inspiring. Here’s a man who’s not in control at all, so we’d better put him in charge of important things. Kinzinger was quickly recognized as an important voice in foreign policy. When the world is hanging by a thread, you want a guy who cries a lot.
For his part, Kinzinger demonstrated a remarkable ability to absorb any situation on the planet, no matter how complex or weighty: diplomacy through narcissism. Here he was yesterday on the floor of the house in his final, yes, emotional speech.
KINZINGER: History has proven that American isolation from world affairs is dangerous. Over the years, I’ve been privileged to lead efforts to support American leadership in a world drowning in make-believe strongmen and to advocate for the rights of Syrian men, women and children to live unafraid of Assad’s death squads, shouldn’t be political. That’s just the right thing. Advocating for more American aid to Ukraine to counter Putin’s illegal invasion shouldn’t be political. That’s right.
Yes, it’s spot on. You see, the world is actually not complicated. In fact, the world is simple. It’s like an original TV movie on Lifetime, the way you burn two bags of Skinny Pop just to hold back your tears. When Adam Kinzinger does something with guns in a foreign country, that’s by definition “just the right thing,” like in Syria. Kinzinger’s often-voiced concern for Syria’s men, women and children is what matters, and because that concern is so important, Kinzinger has pushed hard to continue the neocon proxy war in Syria.
Results? Syria now has no economy and a massive cholera outbreak is underway. Men, women and children are dying in large numbers because it is the right thing to do. So also in Ukraine.
Kinzinger made that clear the other day when he personally responded to a Twitter account called “Catturd,” because when you’re one of Washington’s top foreign policy authorities, you spend a lot of time on Twitter reading accounts with names like “Catturd.”
The other day, “Catturd” made the mistake of posting a meme that appeared to mock the colors of the Ukrainian flag, colors sacred to Adam Kinzinger and every other empathetic soccer mom in her 40s. You can imagine how insulting that was. It was like telling a naughty joke about Meghan Markle. It couldn’t take it – and so alone and fighting debilitating hot flashes in that kitchen, Adam Kinzinger fought the urge to get another bag of chips Ahoy! to open and fought back. “Literally nasty,” he wrote in a late-night reply to “Catturd.” “If I met you in person, it wouldn’t end well…for you.
Woah, do you hear that, “Catturd”? It won’t end well for you. It’s not a pillow fight Adam Kinzinger is talking about. This is a full-fledged hair-pulling slap fight. That is real. You better apologize Our hearts go out tonight to “Catturd,” who’s probably huddled in a litter box somewhere, waiting for Adam Kinzinger to show up with his nails sharpened. Mock up the Ukrainian flag, get scratched. Those are the rules, Catturd. It’s a tough city. meow!
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Speaking of how it will all end, how will it end for Adam Kinzinger? Well, we suspect it will end as it began, in anonymity. In just a few weeks, Adam Kinzinger will be another CNN contributor. No one will ever see him again, but we will never forget him. Adam Kinzinger will forever live in our hearts as an example of what a man can be when he stops being a man and releases the emotionally fragile, divorced, single mother inside. “Have another glass of Chardonnay. Listen to me cry.” Yes, Ms. Kinzinger, we will. So here one last time:
KINZINGER: I never expected today to be this emotional for me, but you guys won. you held You know, democracies aren’t defined by our bad days.
Goodbye Adam Kinzinger. See you at SoulCycle.